Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
