I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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