my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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