I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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