we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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