He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize