Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Brb crying the tears of my youth
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
