My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
