I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
