you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
