so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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