Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
