I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
