im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
