He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
