I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
