everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
