i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
