so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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