Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
