Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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