Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
