My liver just broke up with me...
I think I died a long time ago.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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