I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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