You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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