Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
