theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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