i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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