i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
