Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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