I hate all girls vehemently.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
