Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
