Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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