the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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