life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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