Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
