I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
