just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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