Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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