I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
