Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
