Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
