I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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