is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
