So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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