i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
