i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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