Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
