Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
