3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize