i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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