I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
