Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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